As 2017 is relentlessly marching towards us, we can not help but wonder what the new year has in store for us. Hopefully, it will turn out to be better than 2016, yet we can only guess what’s in store for us. Or can we? Wine ‘n About’s astrology team has in fact been busy working out the future for every zodiac sign. Of course, we asked them to focus on the important stuff only.

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Aries:

You can forget about drinking French wines this year. A close relative will marry an insufferable Italian who hates French wines with a passion. He’ll constantly promote and praise Italian wines and denounce French wines to such a degree that your once healthy appetite for wine will turn sour. Don’t switch to beer however. Although your new Italian family member will blab on constantly, he will actually serve you some pretty interesting Italian wine.

Taurus:

Things are looking rosy for you throughout. You’ll attend many parties and wine tastings. Every wine you’ll drink will be delicious. Even those couple of bottles you’ll quickly grab in the supermarket and don’t think much of will turn out to be pleasant surprises. Yet beware of a strange European man with dark hair who claims to be a wine expert. He is not and should you go along in his obscure ventures you’ll end up cheated and robbed.

Gemini:

It looks like it will be an average year for the Gemini wine drinker. There will be some ups and some downs but nothing major. There is one warning, nonetheless. Refrain from bringing wine to any parties, the chances of it being corked are high, especially since Mercury is in retrograde. Instead bring a bottle of clear liquor to any party you’re invited to. You’ll be the center of attention. If you insist on bringing wine to a party, make sure to try it before anyone drinks it and if it is corked, throw it out immediately. This way there will be no risk of any people important to your future drinking it.

Cancer:

2017 is a good year for moderation. Enjoy the finer things in life but never in excess. The excesses will feel forced and unnatural, and you’ll regret them afterward. Invest in a relaxing vacation and one or two very good bottles. Let life float by. If you do, you’ll notice healthy changes in your digestive system and good opportunities will arise. Refrain from buying wine in physical stores; it’ll be too much of an ordeal for you. Opt for online shops instead.

Leo:

Leo is Latin for Lion, but you might want to mind your roar. You’ll throw some house parties of epic proportions. They’ll be great fun. Yet if you don’t watch the noise the police might show up, causing a lot of trouble for everyone. Saturn and Venus are aligned which means that it is a great time for you to throw parties, but it also means that things can turn sour quickly as well. If you watch out, you’ll be able to avoid most trouble. Wine stains this year, however, are unavoidable for Leos so keep salt, baking soda and soda water handy.

Virgo:

Virgos should watch out since a comet shower will obscure the influence of Saturn, which means you’ll lose and misplace things, mainly bottle openers. Every time you’ll want to open a new bottle of wine you’ll search endlessly and unsuccessfully. Don’t buy new wine keys; instead, we advise to visit your friends and drink their wine.

Libra:

2017 will be a strange and confusing year for Libras. On several occasions, you think you’ll have bought white wine only to discover at home that it’s rosé. You’ll find empty bottles on the table without ever remembering when or with whom you drank them. You’ll mistake grape varieties and will end up buying a lot of obscure new world wine you never heard of without really knowing why. Our advice is to flow along and don’t question anything. Asking questions during confusing times can be dangerous. It’s often better to leave the obscure alone. Perhaps switch to beer for a while.

Scorpio:

Scorpions are poisonous creatures, yet the poison is in the tail, not the head. Scorpio’s will find that 2017 will be a year without hangovers. Whether you drink a lot or not, you’ll have few to no hangovers. To keep this stroke of luck going we advise you to be extra kind and caring to people who do suffer badly from the man with the hammer.

Sagittarius:

Jupiter will place some challenges and hurdles in front of you in 2017, yet this is only to make you a better wine drinker. At wine tastings, you’ll be invited into difficult conversations about Ph values of soils, mountain winds, and molds. However, if you prepare by reading up a little bit, and working on your confidence (the latter is important) you’ll outshine any wine buff. Don’t forget to dramatically taste any wine when drinking in company.

Capricorn:

Capricorns will have a slightly misfortunate year. Nothing majorly bad will happen yet you’ll be clumsy throughout. You’ll break glasses, spill wine on people, unfortunate symptoms of an unhealthy digestive system will appear during parties, among other misfortunes. We advise you to stay in and relax on your own. If you do go out and drink with others, arm yourself with wet tissues and other instant cleaning options.

Aquarius:

Beer makes you feel bloated, and liquor’s too strong. It’s always been wine for you, and it’ll stay like this in 2017. However, increase your water intake between glasses. You’ll find that if you don’t do so, your cat will escape and cause a car accident for which you’ll end up paying. Mercury is in retrograde after all!

Pisces:

The stars are lined up nicely for Pisces except for the Northern Star. It is in an odd position so it would be unwise to drink wine from the Northern hemisphere, we would even say avoid them at all cost. Stick to wines from the Southern hemisphere. If you do end up drinking wine from the Northern hemisphere, you can counteract by drinking double the amount of wine from the Southern hemisphere.